*Potential trigger warning when reading - only read if you are in the right headspace & mindset to do so:)

At the end of February this year, I decided to stop tracking calories & macros. There were quite a few reasons why I made this decision and they all pretty much revolved around the fact that I had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. I felt like I needed a break from the all-consuming tracking world I consumed myself with for almost three years. 

First, I want to talk about why I stopped tracking. My relationship with food has always been rocky, but it wasn’t until the past year and a half that it really became toxic. I had an all or nothing approach to nutrition and food which often led me to binging, and sometimes also making myself throw up. This is something I have only shared with two people in my life and it was incredibly difficult for me to open up about what I was putting myself through. It would get worse around the holidays and I would either barely eat anything throughout the day so that I could either eat less than 1000 calories a day, or so that I could eat whatever I wanted later that evening. I was constantly putting my body through periods of extreme restriction, extreme binging, and sometimes, forcing it out of myself to hide from the shame and guilt I experienced. My body was not having it. I was experiencing some of the worst breakouts, I was losing strength, and I was so stressed out. I was always anxious, I couldn’t look forward to holidays, dinner with family, or parties, and I had so much trouble falling asleep. I definitely hit rock bottom and after a few months of this cycle, I decided I was going to go back to maintenance calories (yes, I had tried to be in a deficit for several months).

Entering the spring of 2023, I had just started dating my boyfriend, and we would eat and drink all. the. time. I gained 15-20 pounds in a few months because I would be eating “maintenance” calories during the week, but would not track on the weekends. I was eating a lot more than I thought I was during the week, and I was definitely overeating on the weekends. After a lifting competition in the spring, I decided to go into another cut. It started out fine, but I started to pick up my obsessive tracking habits once again. I could not go out to eat with friends or family without scouring the menu and trying to find a way to track it, I couldn’t look forward to trips or birthdays, and I couldn’t eat anything that I wasn’t able to track. I lost the 15lb I gained and people told me I looked great, but I was so anxious and so paranoid I was going to lose all of the progress I made. I stopped making much progress after the summer was over. Into the fall, I continued to eat the same amount of calories and macros that I had been for my cut. Once again, I was so scared of losing my progress. And then, the holidays circled back around and I tried to set a positive mindset for the next few months. I definitely struggled with food over the holidays, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the previous year. I made it through the holidays with only a few pounds extra that was ultimately just water weight. But after the holidays, it was extremely hard for me to get back on track. I continued with the same deficit calories that I was consuming pre-holidays, but on the weekends, I was undoubtedly letting loose. I maintained my weight but wasn’t seeing any progress. I was still stressing out about eating unplanned meals with friends, future events like weddings & birthdays, and I just felt so exhausted.

I finally decided that it was time for a break at the end of February. I wasn’t seeing results and I was burnt out from the years of tracking, obsessing over meals, and never-ending cycles of losing and gaining weight. I knew that I needed to stop tracking completely if I was ever going to break this cycle. Going into my spring break, I stopped tracking completely. I continued to meal prep but I wasn’t creating the MyFitnessPal recipes and I wasn’t weighing anything out. It took some time to train myself to stop adding up the calories in my head and just eat the food. I wanted to take the approach of “intuitive eating”... Well, as someone who was constantly in a binge-restrict cycle, intuitive eating wasn’t really a thing. I basically used this as an excuse to eat whatever the hell I wanted to. If I am being completely honest, I expected myself to do that. I was finally giving myself free-range to eat whatever foods I wasn’t allowing myself to eat before. I didn’t have any rules to hold myself to and I didn’t have any foods off-limits like I did before. This is how I truly want to eat over time, but I don’t think I was quite ready for this big of a freedom step.

Now, what have I learned in the past two months? First, I want to say that I am not a nutritionist, I don’t really know much of anything about intuitive eating, and it has only been 2 months. Secondly, I have gained some weight. I have probably gained around 5-10 pounds since stopping tracking but I want to make something clear. I didn’t gain this weight because I stopped tracking, I gained it because I ate whatever I wanted 24/7. Yes, I still meal prepped, but I also ate jelly beans, chips, pretzels, chocolate, etc. whenever I wanted to. I not only ate it whenever I wanted to, but I also ate as much as I wanted to. I didn’t have any accountability for myself. And you know what? I think I needed that. I truly think I needed to gain this weight, eat whatever I wanted to, and let myself go for a bit. Now, I am ready to get a hold of myself again. Now, I can face myself in the mirror, and tell myself what so many people close to me have been trying to tell me for so long: You can eat the foods you want to. You can go out to dinner with friends. You can have the cookies your mom bakes you. You can have date night. You can have drinks and cocktails and iced coffees and all of the foods you want! You just can’t do that every day, every night, and for every meal.

The first 2-3 weeks, I didn’t notice any changes in my body. I looked the same. I think I was a bit inflamed from the extra calories, but I didn't gain 5lb of fat. It wasn’t until the 1-2 month mark where I started to notice I had gained some weight. And that was after a MONTH of eating in a surplus (not a clean surplus either). Basically what I am trying to say is that I gained weight because of the lifestyle I was allowing myself to live. It wasn’t necessarily the food I was eating. It was how much & how often I was eating them. The main thing I have learned from not tracking is that I can eat a meal out with my friends or boyfriend when I want to. I can have a dessert that isn’t macro friendly on a Friday. I can go to concerts, have drinks with friends, try a new restaurant & not track every single thing I put in my body. I just need to understand what “everything in moderation” truly means.

So where do I go from here? How do I start adding tracking back into my life without letting it consume me? Do I even want to add tracking back into my life? As I am sure you can guess, I don’t love the extra weight I have put on. It is extremely tempting to go back to tracking strictly, setting my calories at the amount they were before, and just sticking to that plan. But I want to hold on to the progress I have created. I might be able to eat more than I think I can and maintain my weight. I might be able to lose weight by eating more calories than before. So, what I have decided to do is bring tracking back into my life, slowly. I want to become aware of what foods I am eating. I want to learn to build more satisfying, well-rounded meals that aren’t focused on the lowest amount of calories possible. I created myself a meal plan that I am going to roughly stick to. I made it a point to create higher-calorie meals that emphasize variety, healthy fats, and foods I love. I am also giving myself permission to eat more food if I am hungry. I am allowing myself to eat sweet treats during the week but I am also making sure I portion out my foods beforehand so I don’t over-eat. I am looking forward to special occasions and viewing them as opportunities to celebrate with the people I love while also indulging if I would like to. I am choosing the healthy options when available or when I am feeling like I need nourishment but not because they are the low-calorie option. I am not going to deprive myself of the foods I love, but I am going to hold myself accountable for how much of them I eat. I am not labeling foods as “good” or “bad”, but as foods that I want to eat more of and foods I want to eat less of. Not because they are high in sugar, fat, or calories, but because I know they offer little nutrients to my body.

I will admit that writing all of this out makes it seem a bit ambitious. Of course I still struggle with all of these concepts. I don’t want to make it seem like I am completely “healed” after 2 months of not tracking. I am still learning myself, the foods I like, how to keep myself nourished & not stress about the foods I might eat later. I am still trying to teach myself good eating habits, healthy food mindsets, and how to not make my entire life revolve around food. One thing I do know from the past few months, is that my mind is so much happier than she was a few months ago. It has gotten a bit quieter up there, and that is a win for me.